Am I In Middle Earth Or Am I Under The Influence Of Mushrooms?
by HaveFaithInTheWeirdSisters
Summary: Odd little fanfiction story featuring our favourite elf and a mushroom hunter from another world. Definitely not a Mary Sue.
1. Amphisbene the Mushroom Hunter

Am I in Middle Earth,

or Am I Under the Influence of Mushrooms?

Amphisbene was one of Territo's most renown mushroom hunters. In this desolate land by the sea, mushrooms had long ago acquired the ability to both walk and talk. The inhabitants of this quaint nation had long grown tired of the mushrooms' incessant yammering and stomping upon people's toes.

Amphisbene's personal mantra was inspired by Alexander the Great: "You can run, but you can't hide!" She applied these wise words to every aspect of her life, which did not garner her many friends. In fact, many compared her to the very mushrooms she hunted.

On a warm summer's eve, as Amphisbene returned home from a long victorious day of hunt, she spied from the corner of her eye, one of the bothersome mushrooms hurling insults at an infant nearby. The child shrieked with horror, a look of distress mummified on its little round face. "Oh dear me, what a nasty fucking mushroom!" she exclaimed, gasping at the scene before her.

The mushroom turned around abruptly, hearing the sound of her shrill voice and sped off into the adjacent corn field. Appalled by its mannerless behaviour, she pursued the squealing mushroom through rows and rows of plantation, until they reached a clearing. Suddenly, Amphisbene lost the mushroom from sight, as it slid into a narrow hole in the ground. She came to a halt at the edge of the void, and with absolute conviction she bellowed, "You can run, but you can't hide!" before diving head first into the abyss!


	2. You Aren't a Mushroom!

Amphisbene awoke with a start. Her head was pounding, her knees ached and she had a small gash abose her left eyebrow, gushing blood into her eye. She took in her surroundings half-blindedly. She found herself in what seemed to be an ancient forest. The trees were immense and seemed to go on forever, the greenery was dense and she was a stone's throw from a little creek.

Amphisbene sluggishly struggled to her feet, before promptly falling down again, as her foot got entangled in a root. The sun was setting, and the orange glow of this enflamed sphere of gas was making her feel rather philosophical. Deciding not to risk standing up again and tripping, she crawled to the bank of the little creek, cupping her hands to drink from the clear water. She wished she had mushrooms to satisfy her hunger as her stomach was rumbling its discontent. Hearing a twig snap, her head turned abruptly in the direction the sound had come from. She slowly came out of her crouched position to stand and held her dagger at the ready. She had been expecting one of the machiavellic mushrooms to pounce on her, and was startled to find a fair, feminine looking man with slightly pointed ears staring at her and aiming his bow at her heart.


	3. Not From This World?

``Who are you and how dare you trespass on our land? `` he said, or rather spat elegantly, as that was more precisely what it sounded like to Amphisbene.

``Who I am is none of your business and I was not aware that I was trespassing upon your land``, she answered curtly. She didn't like talking to a sharp arrow, especially when its owner was glaring menacingly at her.

`` How could you not realize you were trespassing? My lady, you are at the very least fifty miles deep in the Green Wood in every direction.`` he added in a somewhat mocking tone. She really did not like this man's rude attitude and tone of voice.

``Well, I've never heard of elves, they are mythical creatures rumoured to be no more than three feet high, sport colours of green and gold and sing Christmas carols!`` Ampisbene spat at him.

``What?!`` the pale man roared, making Amphisbene rather nervous, until he started laughing loudly and replied ``What kind of creature are you? I have never seen one of your likeness``.

`` I would doubt you if you said that you had. None of my people would choose to live in this world, and especially not with…`` she trailed off and kept herself from adding `stupid albino jerks like you roaming around, half-crazed and armed with dangerous weapons` seeing as he was still aiming an arrow at her. With the distance that separated them, not even a baby could miss and she had the impression he could kill her at 200 feet if she was running and his eyes were closed. Suddenly, the queer man/angel broke the silence.

``What do you mean by 'this world'?`` Do you come from another? Trapped, she blurted``yes``, in a really mushroom-like way, and her cheeks flushed due to her aggravation at behaving in such a manner.

``How did you get here?`` she shrugged.

``Through a nasty dirt hole I fell into while chasing a mushroom`` Amphisbene answered his question. With that, he lowered his arms and in a moment of wonder, stared incredulously at her. Amphisbene noticed him lower his guard, and she also noticed an opportunity. She pounced on him as though she was a frightened cat with its claws extended. He never saw it coming.


End file.
